I am writing these lines from a vacation apartment in Pilsen, Czech Republic. It's a simple, clearly structured place. Kitchen, WLAN, a good table to work at. Everything I need - no more, no less. I'm not here because I'm on vacation. I'm also not here to follow a whim or start a new chapter. I'm here because I had to.
A few days ago, I had to leave my own house, my home, head over heels. The reason: a meadow directly adjacent to my property in Oldenburg was declared a building site. No warning, no information from the building authority - from one day to the next, the development of a new housing estate began there.
Since then, concrete pipes have been sawn up there every day. It sounds harmless, but it's not. Anyone who knows what fine quartz dust can do also knows that it's not just "a little dust". And anyone who - like me - suffers from hypersensitivity, a precursor to MCS (Multiple Chemical Sensitivity) If you have developed a high sensitivity to such substances, your own home can become a health threat at such times.
Not an isolated case, but a repetition
What would be an unpleasant but ultimately tolerable event for others is the third incident of this kind for me in just a few years. I had to move twice before - not because of neighbors, not because of personal dissatisfaction, but because environmental conditions made living impossible.
The first time it was a rented apartment in which toxins from the glass wool insulation had entered the air unnoticed for years. I became physically weaker and weaker without knowing why - until I found the cause. By then it was too late. The apartment was "poisoned" and moving out was inevitable.
The second time seemed to be better. New surroundings, new opportunity. But shortly after I moved in, a building site started there too - this time right outside the window. When the roof work started, it was that time again: fine substances in the air, unclear reactions of the body, no perspective to stay.
Now for the third time: I back away before I fall
So now for the third time. This time I didn't wait until I developed symptoms, until the apartment became a place of helplessness again. I left beforehand. Spontaneously, without a plan B. One suitcase, one laptop, one goal: to get away from where my body goes on alert.
And once again, I am amazed at how quickly my mind clears in the moment of crisis. The vacation apartment was found quickly. The decision was made. It wasn't about understanding everything or organizing everything perfectly - it was simply about taking action.
It's no coincidence that I ended up in Pilsen of all places. I've had the idea of moving the center of my life - maybe even my company - to the Czech Republic for some time. This spontaneous escape is therefore also a kind of test run. An unwanted, but perhaps necessary step. As I will be in Hamburg next week anyway at the FileMaker Conference will beI then combined two interesting things at once.
Review - Three blows to the nervous system
How it all began: A haze over Oldenburg
Looking back, many things become clearer. Sometimes only years later. And sometimes you only realize the third time around that something that looks like bad luck is perhaps part of a bigger picture. As from my book "TMD - The forgotten problem of modern medicine" As you know, my nervous system has been severely impaired by CMD (craniomandibular dysfunction) since I was a child, which has probably contributed to the following problems.
The first "blow" that made me permanently more sensitive probably came in September 2018, when there was a fire at a Bundeswehr military training area in Meppen. For weeks. Triggered by military exercises - presumably with ammunition that was later said to have included old NVA stocks. There was even talk of depleted uranium at the time. Whether this was really the case can hardly be determined today - but the entire information policy was more than dubious from the outset.
Oldenburg - over 70 kilometers away from the source of the fire - lay under a grey pall during these weeks. The acrid, metallic smell hung in the air for four weeks. Day and night. Wikipedia still says today that even in Bremen there were visual obstructions on the highway. And yet this situation was simply accepted. No evacuation, no serious warning. No explanation as to why this catastrophe was not brought under control more quickly.
On the contrary: in the official review, it was even claimed that measurements had been taken that were "below the limit values" - but it later turned out that no measurements had actually been taken. That was a turning point for me. I was no longer the same.
May 2019: The poisoned apartment
In May 2019, I moved into a new apartment. I wanted a fresh start and to increase my space a little. The landlord pointed out that there had been water damage in the basement at some point - with mold growth. No big deal, I thought. After all, the apartment was on the second floor.
What he failed to mention, however, was that there had also been water damage in the attic. And even more serious - 80 to 100 spray cans of assembly foam had apparently been used in the attic. The remains were just lying around. Directly above: exposed glass wool. And directly below: our apartment. There were lamps hanging from the ceiling that were simply stuck in drilled holes. Above it, the vapors of construction foam, fungal spores and fiberglass insulation collected in a toxic cocktail. And this was slowly but steadily making its way down through every crack.
I remember getting more and more tired. How I increasingly had the feeling of "sticking" inside. I couldn't put my finger on it at the time. At first I thought it was stress. But then it happened: another water damage occurred during my rental period. Rainwater was suddenly running down the walls from the ceiling inside. And that made me realize how porous this whole house actually was - physically and figuratively.
Being right and getting right are two different things
In order to get certainty, I commissioned an environmental toxicology report at my own expense. That was important to me - I wanted to know what I was dealing with. The analysis cost around 2,500 euros. The result was clear: increased concentrations of Aspergillus mold fungi, as well as conspicuous levels of certain alkanes - an indication of outgassing from construction foam, glazes or other chemical building materials. Even if the whole thing was not immediately a chemical weapon, it was still measurably contaminated.
What particularly disillusioned me, however, was that even with such an expert opinion in hand, you don't really get any help in Germany. I went to a lawyer, presented him with the report - and was told that although it was "interesting", it could hardly be used legally. The limit values were not formally seriously exceeded, everything was "within the normal range" or "only slightly above". And so legal action was practically hopeless. So I was literally left with a pile of evidence - but without any prospect of justice.
The second apartment: building site outside the window
After moving out came the next move - this time everything seemed better. A new house. Clean. Sure. No water damage, no building sin. But then, a few years after I moved in, roof work started on the neighbor's house. Right outside my window. Harmless at first - then more and more intense. Again it was the air. Again it was something that wasn't visible but my body registered immediately. I had to get out again. Not because the apartment was bad - but because the environment was becoming a burden. This time the poison wasn't inside, but outside.
And now for the third time
Today, I've been living in a detached house for a good year and a half. It seemed as if stability was finally setting in. But last week, a new development area began just a few meters behind my garden fence. The development is underway - with concrete pipes, cut-off grinders and everything that remains in the air when you saw meter-long concrete pipes for days on end. As a result, one day later I had to leave my house again in a hurry because the aggressive smell of this dust, which has now spread all over my property, is giving me physical symptoms and migraine attacks. Again, the air outside is worse than inside - when I air the house afterwards, there are more toxins in the house than before.
I'm no longer prepared to wait until it knocks me down again. I left earlier. Not on the run this time - but with a clear head. And I am certain that anyone who experiences the same thing three times is not "unlucky" - but lives in a system that has become blind to the consequences of its decisions.
From retreat to action - what has changed
When you have to give up your home three times in a few years - sometimes even your whole life - because external circumstances become so toxic that you can no longer physically endure them, it changes something. Back then, in 2018 Moor fire in MeppenI was in a kind of shock. I could sense that something was wrong - physically, emotionally, energetically - but I still had no language for it. No structure, no inner system that could have helped me to categorize it all. So I withdrew. First inwardly, then very concretely.
MCS is not a "classic" clinical picture with one symptom, but a mosaic:
- Head droning, partly migraine-like
- Palpitations
- Respiratory dust sensation
- Circulatory collapse
- Drowsiness
- Chest pressure
- Light sensitivity
- ... and sometimes simply: excessive demands
I only realized later that this withdrawal became a pattern. Like many others, I reacted to threats with avoidance and withdrawal - because I saw no real alternative. So every new problem became an invitation to my nervous system to go on the defensive. As a result, I was often in "survival mode", but never really in "creation mode".
The turnaround did not come overnight
It was not a big bang, not a holy moment of enlightenment. Rather, it was a quiet realization that took months to sink in: If I don't change anything, everything will repeat itself. The same patterns. The same helplessness. The same reactions. And so I began to observe step by step: What does this do to me? When do I lose clarity? And when do I regain it?
During this phase, I began to document my experiences in a structured way. I began to analyze crises - like others keep a logbook. Over time, this gave rise to a new inner attitude: not everything in life can be controlled, but a great deal can be understood. And from this understanding comes the first step towards action.
Between psychology and theology
In psychology, recurring strokes of fate are often referred to as traumatic re-enactment - as if life keeps sending the same test until we have learned to deal with it differently. In theology, on the other hand, there is talk of "trials" that do not happen by chance, but can be understood as a call to development. The language is different, but the essence is similar: growth often occurs where it hurts first.
What no longer paralyzes me today is not the lack of new crises. On the contrary - they continue to happen. But I have created tools for myself. Structure. Distance. Clarity. And, perhaps most importantly: I have reclaimed my room for maneuver. It's not always a lot of leeway. But they are mine.
Five reasons why clarity is everything
- Because many things only become apparent with a time delay
Whether it's a bog fire in 2018, moving into an apartment or even a seemingly harmless stay in a barracks - some consequences don't show up immediately. Especially when it comes to issues such as MCS (Multiple Chemical Sensitivity) or other subtle stresses, the body is not like a smoke detector that sounds the alarm immediately. It is more like a silent observer that only reacts later. Anyone seeking clarity must therefore often think in retrospect - and learn to recognize patterns that repeat themselves. - Because you often can't know in the present what you will know later
A central trick that I have gotten into the habit of using: Looking back, I consciously ask myself - What did I really know at the time? Could I have decided anything differently? This question is as simple as it is relieving. It clears up false self-accusation and creates inner space - for action instead of brooding, for structure instead of guilt. - Because clarity makes you less dependent on the opinions of others
If something is not immediately visible or "measurable", you will quickly face headwinds from outside. "Don't be like that", "You're imagining things", "It's all within reason." Everyone who struggles with invisible burdens has heard sentences like this. But inner clarity provides protection. If you know yourself well, you no longer have to constantly justify yourself. And that makes you strong - even in a crisis. - Because clarity doesn't solve everything - but it sorts everything out
Clarity is not the big solution, but the right order. It does not replace difficult decisions, but it helps you to make them in the first place. Clarity is like an inner compass that says: This is where you stand. These are your options. And this was your path up to here. Without clarity, everything feels vague - and that is often worse than the crisis itself. - Because clarity gives you back your story
When stress builds up, when living situations change or the body sounds the alarm, you often feel at the mercy of others. But clarity brings you back to the point where you can say: I recognize what has happened. I recognize what it has done to me. And I recognize what I want to do with it. This is where self-efficacy begins again.
What my situation has in common with other crises
What I'm experiencing right now - this combination of powerlessness, unclear danger and creeping loss of control - is actually a prototype for many other life crises. Whether it's a chronic illness, a burnout, a gradual financial collapse, a toxic relationship or the sudden upheaval of a life model (e.g. due to political, economic or family changes): Whenever a situation slowly comes to a head and the actual threat is not immediately tangible, a dangerous space is created in between - a field of fog. You can still function, but you are no longer free. You recognize that something is wrong, but you don't know how great the danger really is.
And this is precisely where it is often decided whether you remain capable of acting - or lose yourself in retreat. That's why my story is not just about structural stress or MCS - but about awareness, responsibility and structured thinking in a crisis. Anyone who learns to remain clear in these intermediate spaces can also get through other crises with more foresight and inner calm.
Through the crisis with clarity
Something bigger has emerged from this personal development: My book "Crises as turning points". It is not a classic guidebook, not a patent remedy. Rather, it is an invitation to face yourself anew - not despite the crisis, but precisely through it. The book brings together many of the insights that I have gathered over the last few years.
It tells of detours, of failure, of reorientation - but also of concrete strategies. How to stick to your guns when everything is shaky. How to make clear decisions, even in times of uncertainty. And how to learn to listen to your own voice more than to the noise from outside.
I believe that we are living in a time of increasing collective and personal crises. And I believe just as strongly that we are not at their mercy. Crises are not end points. They are turning points.
Frequently asked questions on the topic
- What exactly is MCS and how does it manifest itself?
MCS stands for Multiple Chemical Sensitivity - a controversial but real environmental disorder in which people react to small amounts of certain chemical substances. MCS is not officially recognized as a uniform medical diagnosis in Germany and is not officially recognized nationwide in the USA, but since the 1990s it has been treated as a real, environmentally-related illness in various specialist circles, institutions and court rulings - particularly in the context of social and environmental medicine. The symptoms range from headaches, shortness of breath and concentration problems to severe states of exhaustion. The reactions often occur with a time delay, which makes it particularly difficult to identify or avoid the causes. - Why can construction sites be so dangerous for sensitive people?
Construction sites release a variety of pollutants: fine quartz dust from concrete saws, solvent vapors, paint particles, VOCs (volatile organic compounds) and much more. This can be a massive burden for sensitive people - even if outsiders can't smell or see anything. The problem is that it is often noticed too late - when the symptoms are already there. - Why have you moved several times?
Because I had to. The first time it was a permanently contaminated apartment due to building foam, mold and pollutants from the attic. The second time it was a large building site right outside the window with months of pollution. And now - the third time - another building site, this time with fine quartz dust. In all cases, the body reacted so clearly at some point that it was impossible to stay. - How long does it take for such stresses to become noticeable?
That's the tricky thing: many stresses have a delayed effect. The body does not always react immediately, but often after days or weeks. This makes it difficult to recognize the cause - and even more difficult to protect yourself in time. - Why is clarity so crucial in such crises?
Because you can only remain capable of acting with inner clarity. Without clarity, you quickly get caught up in self-doubt, feelings of guilt or helplessness. If, on the other hand, you calmly analyze what you knew and when and how you made decisions, you can focus your energy on what you can shape - not on self-reproach. - What do you mean by "checking in retrospect what I could know"?
This is a tried and tested trick to free yourself from feelings of guilt: In hindsight, I ask myself specifically what I knew or could have known at the time. Could I have made a better decision? If not - tick it off. This creates space for new ideas instead of getting lost in self-reproach. - Is a toxicology report of any use?
Yes and no. I had one drawn up for 2,500 euros - with the result: Yes, increased values for mold and chemical residues (e.g. alkanes). But: In practice, it is often of little use. Lawyers and courts then argue with limit values - and if these are only slightly exceeded, it is almost impossible to enforce anything legally. - Is a legal dispute worthwhile in the case of contaminated apartments?
Usually not. The effort, the expert opinion costs, the burden of proof - all this is often disproportionate to the outcome. Many cases end with compromises or come to nothing. Unfortunately, those affected rarely have a real chance of asserting themselves legally - despite clear symptoms. - What can you do if a construction site becomes a health hazard?
Document immediately: Photos, construction diary, note symptoms. At the same time, talk to the building authority or environmental agency to see if dust or noise pollution can be reported. If possible, create a place of retreat or, if necessary, move out temporarily - especially if the exposure becomes permanent. - What was the most important thing you learned from these crises?
That withdrawal is not always weakness, but sometimes the first step towards clarity. That I can't control everything, but I can control my reaction to it. And that every crisis can also be an invitation to understand more deeply what is really good for me - and what is not. - How has your approach to crises changed?
I used to be rather passive - withdrawal, powerlessness, frustration. Today, I analyze faster, make clearer decisions, structure my environment proactively. I work more with routines, clarity and boundaries. This gives me room to maneuver - and makes me stronger inside. - What role does your book "Crises as turning points" play?
The book is the result of precisely such experiences. It is not theory, but practice. It shows how to not only endure crises, but how to use them to your advantage. And it offers tools for taking responsibility for your own thoughts, feelings and actions - even if you seem powerless at first. - Aren't such crisis experiences very special?
Perhaps. But they are exemplary for many situations in life:
- Disease that is not immediately recognizable.
- Changes that are forced upon you.
- People who make decisions that make you suffer.
In all these cases, clarity helps to avoid drowning in emotional chaos. - What advice would you give to people who find themselves in a similar situation?
Don't doubt for too long. If you notice that something is wrong - listen. Document what you perceive. And above all: strengthen yourself internally before you try to solve everything externally. Sometimes a clear inner compass is more important than any legal or medical assessment. - How can you bear to start again and again despite everything?
By looking at the crisis not as an opponent, but as a teacher. I ask myself: What can I take away from this? Where will it make me clearer, calmer, more effective? And I remind myself: I have done it before - and I will do it again. With structure, clarity and sometimes with a new place, a new chapter.